I Think I Want to Adopt...Now What?!

So, let's get real for a second. I know one thing to be true...you're only really here for the baby. 

It's fine. I understand. He's squishy and funny and perfectly adorable and you really don't care about little old me. It's okay. I've made my peace with it. Give the people what they want, right? 

After we brought Brooks home, I made my Instagram account public because I wanted more people to realize the gift and joy that adoption can be. Is it hard? Absolutely. Is it easy? Not even a little bit. But is it worth it? Would I do it again? 150% yes.

Reading the adoption stories of other families is what ultimately led us to jump off the high dive into this uncharted territory, and I thought if I could help catalyze other families to take the leap, that allowing the internet to see my children every now and then was worth that. So I did it. I know not everyone believe that's the right thing to do, but here's what I know now: God is using our story to bring more orphans into families.

Over the last few months, these are some actual messages and emails I've gotten:

"Your post about Brooks being 'just a little boy' helped my husband find the courage to say yes."

"Your adoption story makes me feel like we could actually do this someday. It's not just a pipe dream anymore."

"My husband thought special needs meant our child would never walk or go to school or live a normal life. Watching Brooks walk and talk and play like a normal kid changed his mind."

It is an absolute honor to get help families navigate those early fears as they consider adoption, so I wanted to take just a few minutes today to speak to those of you who are just peering over that edge, unsure as to whether or not you will take the plunge. 

I'm going to break this post up into five major questions that seem to be brought to me repeatedly and address those, but please, if you want to hear my thoughts or perspective on other things, please feel free to reach out!

1) Where do I begin?

This is the number one question I hear all the time. It's so overwhelming and there seem to be so many different ways to adopt that we don't know where to start.

And this is always my answer: start in prayer. 

Every single step of this adoption journey, every single decision should be guided by prayer first. As my husband and I began to pray about adoption, we first felt a peace about international adoption, specifically from Asia, but narrowing it down to China took us months. At one point, we thought we were going to go the South Korea route, but that door was quickly closed for us. We considered Vietnam, Taiwan, China, the Philippines, and others, but it seemed like the Lord kept leading us back to China. Follow that lead if you feel it in your gut...it usually won't lie to you.

Okay, and second...talk with an agency. After prayer, you'll need to figure out what adoption programs you qualify for. There are age, income, and health requirements for all the different programs, and you'll want to chat with someone who can help guide you in that regard. It would be devastating to get your heart set on a program to only find out you don't qualify for it.

2) How am I going to afford this?

This is the second most common question I get, and the truth to this one is this: it depends on your program. If you feel called to foster care, there are very minimal costs involved at all. If you feel called to international adoption, the cost really depends on the country. Some countries are more expensive because you have to travel there multiple times. Domestically speaking, prices can vary based on whether or not you go through an attorney or an agency.

All that aside, I truly believe that God provides for those He calls to this road. There are so many options for families in the adoption process. You can host fundraisers, accept private donations, apply for grants, or just spend some time on your budget and start saving. Personally, I started teaching two days a week at my children's preschool, started a small business, sold t-shirts, and we were fortunate enough to receive some grant money. It wasn't easy, but we did it debt-free with some hard work. Although I absolutely understand the fear of this piece, I truly believe this should not be the sole reason families don't walk this road. If this is your hang-up, I'd love to brainstorm with you!

**Also, please know this - you are not paying for a child. No lie: I've been asked, in his presence, how much Brooks cost. I did not buy him. I know that sounds crazy to say out loud, but you'd be amazed at what people will ask you. You are paying legal fees, agency fees, travel fees, document processing fees, and the like. You are NOT paying for a child.**

3) Can I parent a child with special needs?

First of all, let's clarify what this even means. There are many international adoption programs who only make children with "special needs" eligible for adoption. China is one of those countries. This is such a huge umbrella term in the adoption world. This can range from something as minor as low birth weight, premature birth, or anemia all the way up to Down Syndrome, Spina Bifida, Cerebral Palsy, missing limbs, etc. This is a very personal piece to the puzzle that I can't really advise you on. You have to know your limitations and what you can or cannot handle in terms of medical care. I would advise that you sit down with a pediatrician and talk through medical conditions that you're comfortable with and again...PRAY. This is a huge decision so just like I said above, prayer needs to play a huge role in this part.

4) Will we be able to love a kid that isn't "ours?"

I'll be honest: this was my biggest fear. I prayed like mad that God would give me a supernatural love for this little boy who shared exactly zero DNA with me, but would call me mommy. For me, it was love at first sight when they placed Brooks in my arms, BUT, that's definitely not always the case. I have several friends who have adopted and had to work very hard at attachment...on both sides. I've heard from lots of women that this is more of a male hang-up than a female hang-up, but I really do believe that God gives you a love for your adopted child that is just as deep as your biological children. I truly have days where I forget he wasn't born to me. He is just as much "mine" as my bio kids. Attachment and bonding is a journey, and it can sometimes take lots of time and strategy, but it is absolutely possible to feel as much love for an adopted child as a biological one. 

5) How do I get my husband on board?

I saved this one for last because my answer is not typically what people want to hear. Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but I truly believe that both spouses need to be ALL IN to walk this road successfully. Now, with that said, there are absolutely times when one spouse "drives the train" so to speak. But at the end of the day, if you aren't both on the same page and both wanting this child in your family, I truly don't think you're a good candidate for an adoption. 

Now, with that said, I do believe that prayer and time can absolutely change hearts. If this is something you feel strongly called to do, but your husband isn't on board yet, I would encourage you to give it some time and pray. 

If this is a road God has chosen for your family, He will bring your husband around in His timing. I'll say that again: HIS timing.  

That might not be tomorrow or next month or next year, but if this is meant to be, it will be when you're both ready to walk it. 

 I hope this has been helpful for those of you beginning this journey. Adoption is not for everyone, and it's not always easy, but it can bring so much joy and love into a family. If you have further questions or would like to chat further, my door is always open. You can DM me on Instagram (@allisonezell) or email me: awezell@gmail.com. 

Happy Wednesday, friends! 

Brooks at 2 1/2

This morning, we had Brooks's 2 1/2 year check-up, and it dawned on me that this was probably a good time to blog a few things about him at this age that I want to remember. So, for no other reason that my own memory preservation, here are ten things about this incredible little boy that I want to remember about him at 2 1/2 years old. Let's go!

1. Pronouns are hard.

One of my favorite things about two-year-olds is their Caveman-speak. I hear a lot of "Me do it" or "Me have one" or "Me want that." As much as the grammar snob in me wants to correct it, I've been around this block enough times to know that it's fleeting, so I'm HIGHLY encouraging the "me" to stick around. ;) He will occasionally get the "I" part correct...but more often than not, he talks as "me." 

2. Kidz Bop is his JAM.
Specifically, Kidz Bop 37 is his jam. Current obsessions include "How Long," "Havana" (which he affectionately calls Havana Na Na), and "Mi Gente." We made the catastrophic mistake of buying the CD at Target a few weeks ago in an attempt to save our data in the car, and the minute we buckle him in that car seat, he demands, "Play How Long!" It was cute at first...not so much four weeks in...sigh.

3. He has some mean dance moves.

Building on number two, he throws down some wicked moves when we turn those songs on the TV upstairs. He can jump, spin, and bounce with the best of 'em. My favorite is the head bob.

4. He is an engineer. Or doctor. Okay, or ice cream man.

His favorite toys currently are the doctor kit, the magna-tiles, or his ice cream truck. You can find this boy either building a house, giving someone a check-up, or asking "What do you want?" from his ice cream truck at nearly every hour of the day. I'm praying that we further pursue one of his first two options... 

5. He loves his people.
The first thing this sweet boy does when he comes downstairs in the morning or after a nap is assess the room. He wants to know who is here, who is missing, and where his people are. He is NOT a fan of anyone in the group being missing. Ever. His ideal world includes all five of us...all the time. It's the sweetest thing.

6. He has some wicked gymnastics ability.

So, I noticed out the window earlier this week that he has figured out a little front handspring-type move, 100% on his own. He bounces on his knees first and then flips over forward. We absolutely did not teach him this, nor can his big brother or sister do it. I'm going to go ahead and call this one a gymnast - what do you think?

7. He still naps like a pro.

Fun fact: Brooks is legitimately the ONLY child in his preschool class that takes a nap every single day. There is one other that occasionally naps, too, but Brooks naps every single day for at least an hour. With my older two, this was an age where naps were either dropped entirely or became a battle. Not with this one. He is the best little sleeper!

8. He's a peanut.

We had a well-check earlier this week, and despite my 100% confidence that he would've jumped up past the fifth percentile for weight...we did not. We stayed exactly the same. He is in the fifth percentile for weight and 15th for height. We are still in 12-18 month pants and 18-24 month tops, occasionally a 2T shirt if it's cute enough to wear a little big. He seems a little bit stockier and filled out to me, but percentiles don't lie, so apparently we're still a peanut. (I secretly love it!) 

9. He is not a fan of any meat other than pepperoni.
Don't even bother offering this kid chicken or turkey or beef - he'll have none of it. Pepperoni or nothin' for this kid. It's so very healthy. Except not.

10. His favorite place is on the kitchen counter.
I pray that he still feels at home enough to hop up on our counter when he's 25. It's my favorite spot to chat with him. :)

This little boy is just so special, and I cannot wait to see what BIG and beautiful things God has planned for his life. Love you, sweet boy!

Why You Need Margin, Mama

I was recently reading a poll of sorts in a Facebook group that asked the ladies there how often they have time away from their kids. And by that, she didn't mean the hour after they've gone to bed where you sprawl out on the couch with Netflix or Instagram. (Although all the praise hands for that hour in the day, am I right?) And she didn't mean the 15 minutes before they wake up where you chug your coffee and speed-read Beth Moore so you can check "quiet time" off your list for the day.

What this question was getting at the heart of was margin. This friend of mine was asking a group of trusted, wise women how often they create margin in their lives in order to get things done or relax or pursue passions outside of the family. 

The answers astounded me.

The majority of the women who responded had NONE. Other than those 15 minutes before the kids get up and the hour after they go to bed, about 80% of the women who responded had no more than their time in the bathroom or their time taking a shower away from their kids. And let's be real - those kids are either prying their grubby fingers under the bathroom door or standing just outside the shower glass during either of those tasks, so in my book, neither of those count.

My answer was a little bit different than most because this year, I gave myself a gift: Wednesdays from 9-2.

The truth is that I need to work at least a little bit at my kids' preschool because two in preschool on a single income is HARD. So, for the first time in three years, there is one day a week where the kids are all in school for 5 blessed hours, and I am free as a bird. Some Wednesdays, I am super productive: in those five hours, I run every errand known to mankind, hit the gym, get my nails done, grab an oil change, and use all 300 minutes I'm given to their utmost potential. One Wednesday, I sat in a coffee shop, brainstormed blog post ideas, and wrote my little heart out. Other Wednesdays, I crawl under a big ole blanket on my couch with a hot cup of coffee and binge Grey's Anatomy. 

And you know what?

I am a better mom to my three kiddos for it.

On the surface, the idea that leaving my children for five hours in childcare makes me a better mom can sound hypocritical, so let's dissect this a bit.

When Carter was six months old, my husband and I started marriage counseling. We had only been married about a year and a half, but the stress of working (at that point) full-time, being still somewhat newlyweds, struggling with managing our finances, and oh yeah, having a baby less than a year into marriage was just too much for us both. We were fighting like crazy, both feeling angry and resentful and like the other partner wasn't doing their part to balance this whole charade. 

The burnout I was feeling was all over my face, and I remember our therapist asking me what I was doing in my life that made me happy. I'm fairly certain I must've looked at her as if she had just grown a unicorn horn. I was completely and utterly confused by this question. I thought, "Who has time for that right now, lady? I'm swimming upstream everyday managing what I have...how can I possibly add in time for me?!" 

But she said something to me that day that has stuck with me for years - something I absolutely believe at the core of my being to be true. Yes, she said, you are a wife and a mother and a teacher, but you are also a woman and a friend and a daughter, and just because you entered motherhood doesn't mean those roles went away.

I heard it described another way at church one Sunday when our pastor was preaching on margin. That's the first time I was really able to define this important piece of our lives that so many women seem to be completely ignoring. Our pastor was speaking of financial margin - in other words, understanding your financial boundaries and living within those limitations with room to spare.

Women, we have got to live our lives with room to spare.

We pour out and pour out and pour out and serve and serve and serve some more, but the sad reality is that so many of us are serving up empty glasses. We simply have nothing left to pour out anymore because we are not pouring IN to ourselves by living our lives with margin. We are filling every single square inch of our lives with our children and our obligations and we're forgetting ourselves in the mix.

 Here's the hard thing: the truth is that the math of margin sometimes doesn't add up. We can't afford to send our children to preschool an extra day or we have no extra funds that would allow us to bring in a babysitter for a few hours or we have circumstances in our lives that don't allow us to be away from our children due to special needs. I get it, I really do. I spent ten straight months with Brooks when he first came home from China because we needed to bond and attach to each other. In that particular season, I had to get very creative about finding margin. I had to go meet girlfriends for dinner after he had gone to bed and didn't even know I was gone. Or I had to get up super early to hit the 6am yoga class while he still couldn't handle the gym childcare. Or I had to stay up into the wee hours of the morning to get that blog post written. 

Sometimes, it's not always as clear-cut as a Wednesday from 9-2. 

But whatever margin looks like for you, I would encourage you to find it. Nope, let's rephrase that.  I would encourage you to create it.  

Finding margin isn't easy and it can take work. I remember talking to a sweet mama at a MOPS meeting a few weeks ago about margin, and she looked at me like I was crazy when I shared about my Wednesdays and how healthy they've been for me. I could tell she didn't quite understand my need for this mental health break, so I turned the question back on her and asked what she would do with five hours to herself every week. She shook her head, her eyes welled up, and she said, "I don't know. I think I'd spend the whole time crying and missing my kids." 

Ladies, there is so much more to this season of your life than those tiny people you raise. Yes, you're a mother, and that's an incredible thing, likely something you've dreamed about since you were a little girl. BUT! BUT! Don't lose who God made you to be in the chaos of it all. He created you with unique talents and gifts and planted dreams in you that you've likely forgotten in your sleep-deprived, yoga-pants, overly caffeinated state. But, I have a feeling, if you dig hard enough, you'll find them. They'll be dusty and may even be broken, but they're still there.

You're still you. 

  I don't know about you, but I really don't want to stand before God when I get to heaven and say, "Sorry, man. I know you gave me this incredible gift that I totally wasted, but I was just so tired from all the babies."

You still have purpose. 

I'd encourage you to dig up that dream you had when you were eight. Dust it off. Revisit what it could look like for you today. It'll likely look different, but I bet the fire is still there. 

And if nothing else, I'd encourage you to carve out some space this month for margin. Give yourself an hour. Put me to the test. See what it could do for your soul. My bet? You'll return refreshed, focused, and better able to pour into those little people you love so much because you took time to pour in to YOU.  

NEDA Week: Body Image & Young Children

It's National Eating Disorders Week - a week to raise awareness and educate the public about these devastating and often fatal mental health issues. For those of you who are new to this blog space, I don't talk about it often, but I fought like hell for five years with an eating disorder that eventually landed me in heart failure. I'm not proud of it, and it's not something that's easy to talk about or wins me many fans, but that journey and that struggle is part of my testimony, so I own it. I worked hard to recover and move on, and by the grace of God (and thanks to an incredible team of therapists), I did.

I can finally say it no longer defines me, and I no longer feel shame in talking about it. I'm so thankful that anorexia was simply one chapter of many in my life. I was able to move on and turn a page to a new chapter, unlike so many women who fall victim to this terrible disease. Anorexia is the most fatal of all mental illnesses, and this week is a week to shed light on it.

It's time to talk about this.

If you haven't already read my full story, you can do so HERE. 

My battle may have been fought 15 years ago, but I daily have to make choices to ensure my family and I stay healthy. I've been reflecting a little bit lately on how I'm actively working to cultivate healthy body image, both in myself and in my children.

Being a mom, especially a young girl mom, the truth of the matter is that these issues start YOUNG. Like, REALLY young. So, I've been very strategic about the way I talk about food, exercise, and health since my children were born, and I thought it might be time to put it out there in the world. My prayer is that these action steps might help us re-frame the little things we do every day that can add up to big impact for our kids.  

Here's the scary truth: studies tell us that by the time a girl has turned 6, she will say that her ideal body size is smaller than her current frame. 

SIX. 

That's Kindergarten, y'all. My Kindergartener still sleeps with a monkey blanket every night, has Goofy on a shelf, and spills his milk at least three nights a week. These kids are straight babies, you guys.

I don't know about you, but I'm not about to go down this road without a fight. 

Another scary truth: I don't really think eating disorders can be prevented. At least, not FULLY prevented.

Recently, scientists have discovered that there is a genetic link to eating disorders, which can be a really scary fact for someone like me. BUT, here's what I know: just because my children may be more LIKELY to develop eating disorders than children whose mothers didn't have one, that doesn't mean I can't try to set them up for success. I can educate them and nurture them to develop a healthy relationship with food and their bodies in order to possibly prevent them from walking the road I walked. 

So, let's get practical...I am by no means a medical professional, but I do think there are some action steps we can take NOW, while our kiddos are still mold-able, that will shape their futures.

ACTION STEP: Drop the black and white talk.

No, I'm not talking about race here. What I mean by drop the black and white talk is to drop the notion that certain foods are either all GOOD or all BAD. Drop the labels. I think many of our children grow up in homes where parents are living in extremes - they hear their parents talk of being "good" when they're dieting or being "bad" when they're cheating. When parents bemoan their unhealthy choices or make comments about how they have to punish themselves at the gym for eating so poorly the night before, children begin to feel that they are bad people for eating certain foods. We need our children to understand that what they eat and who they are are mutually exclusive. 

So, my encouragement here would be to re-frame the language. The truth is that unless you have food allergies or specific dietary restrictions, all foods can and should be enjoyed in moderation. Let's ditch this all or nothing mentality. Instead, I suggest we talk positively about what healthy food and exercise do for us. Rather than complain about our jeans feeling tight, let's emphasize how we feel so energetic after running that 5K or taking that yoga class. Rather than whining about how our "bad" lunch at Chick-fil-A makes us bloated, let's talk about how sweet that apple tasted or how that salad gave me vitamins to make me strong. Let's highlight our positive choices for the ways they make us feel and what they do for us, rather than focusing on the negative choices we've made. 

ACTION STEP: Focus on strength for adults and growth for kids.

One of my absolute favorite things to talk about with my kids is how strong they are. Nothing gets my boys more fired up than showing off their muscles. We talk a lot in our house about how healthy food, exercise, and sleep helps us grow big and strong. Brooks has even picked up on it already, and after eating a carrot yesterday, walked over to me and said, "Me go up up up, higher and higher, right Mama?" He beamed with pride when I assured my tiniest boy that yes, his carrots did make him grow bigger and taller. (Just nobody tell him he's still in the second percentile for height, mmmm-kay?) When my kids step on the scale in the bathroom or at the doctor's office, never have I not cheered for them. No matter what that thing says, we celebrate it because it shows us how much we've grown. And when they want me to step on that scale for them? You'd better believe I join in their cheering, no matter what number I'm looking at or what the insecurities are telling me.

Two or three times a week, we head up to our neighborhood gym to work out (okay, okay, and to use the free childcare...), and I'm often asked by the little two why we have to come to the gym. And every single week, my answer is the same: because exercise keeps Mommy healthy and strong. Never once have I said anything about weight or my jeans or how much queso I ate the night before. I may have had those reasons in my head, but you'd better believe I wasn't planting those seeds for my kids.

All they need to know at this young age is that exercise is healthy and makes us strong. Period. Don't make it complicated. Because truthfully? It's not.

ACTION STEP: Eat meals and exercise as a family. 

You saw this one coming a mile away, didn't you? But, y'all, it's SO true! Going on family walks or bike rides is not only great for bonding, but it's so good for cultivating a healthy view of exercise! When you're going on a walk as a family to the park or exploring a new hiking path together, there's a sense of adventure and fun there. We WANT our kiddos to find exercise fun! It shouldn't be seen as punishment! I can tell you right now, having a child with limited mobility due to a broken leg, that the chance to walk or ride around the neighborhood is a gift! Carter would give you the boot off his broken leg (literally) if you told him he could go on a long bike ride tomorrow. We need our children to see exercise as a pleasurable experience and something to look forward to, and there's no better way to cement that than family outings.

Before I go into family meals, let me just preface by saying I GET IT. With 832 different schedules and practices and homework and jobs, I know this one's hard. And it certainly doesn't have to happen every night...but at least a few nights a week, enjoying a meal together is critical to developing a healthy relationship with food. There is so much more that happens at a dinner table than dinner. There is eye contact, conversation, taking turns, laughter, and, okay, a little bit of chaos if yours are little like mine. BUT! BUT! It's worth fighting through the chaos to share a healthy meal when you can. And bonus points if your kids help you with the cooking!

Last, but not least...

ACTION STEP: Just stop talking.  

Yes, I know, this sounds harsh, but it's true. For the love, people...STOP TALKING ABOUT APPEARANCES ALL THE TIME. And by this I mean your body AND other people's bodies. We have SUCH a fixation in our society with our physical appearances. We fixate on our hair, we gossip when someone has put on weight, we constantly whine about our wrinkles and stretch marks.

And I'm calling it out today: STOP.

Our bodies were created to DO. When God created us thousands of years ago, His primary focus was not on how we looked, but what we could DO with our bodies. We were created to work, to learn, to carry children, to feed children, to travel with our families. We were supposed to feed and nurture that body to keep it strong so we could continue to work. We were never meant to focus so much on how that body looked...but that's part of our fall as human beings.

That stretched out tummy that now resembles a frowning face? It grew a human. Or two. Or twelve if you're a Duggar.
Those saggy boobs? It kept a few tiny people alive for a year.
That thigh gap you constantly covet? Screw it! Your thighs ran a half marathon.

Enough complaining, you guys. Enough fixating. Enough battling something that was never meant to be fought in the first place. Let's get over it already.

And here's why this is so critical when you have little ears around...they hear everything. And repeat everything.

The other night, my husband was telling me a story about something scary (or maybe exciting...I can't be sure as I was only half-listening...) that happened at work, and without thinking, I replied, "Oh, damn!" Can you guess what the next two words out of our sweet baby boy's mouth were? Yep. You know it. He looked right in my eyes and said, "Oh, damn."

   I'll leave my "Mother of the Year" trophy on the door step for collection.

When you look in the mirror and verbally criticize those laugh lines on your face with your little girl standing at your feet, do you really think she's not paying attention? She's looking at you, who in her eyes is the most beautiful woman in the world, and you're feeding her negativity. Whether she's aware of it in the moment or not, you're teaching her how to be a woman, and what she just learned is this: women criticize themselves.

Is that really the message we want her to learn?

I want to see my little girl looking in the mirror admiring how strong she is, how much she's grown, or, better yet, moving her focus away from the mirror and into the eyes of people. I want to teach her that it's more important to look out than to look in. I want her to learn that we focus on others, not fixate on ourselves.

  So, those are my thoughts for this NEDA week. We can plant seeds now that can create change later, and I hope you'll join me as we fight for our kids.

If you or someone you know is struggling in this area, I'd highly encourage you to check out https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/ or find a local therapist who can help you. If you'd like to contact me directly to help you find resources in your area, you may always do so at awezell@gmail.com.

Fearless Surrender

Surrender.

Let go.

Be open.

These are words that I've been grappling with in my heart the last few weeks. Words that I know all too well can make or break the big decisions in my life. 

If you've been around this little space very long, you know I'm a self-professed control freak. I've made no secret of the fact that I'm a big fan of making my own plans and just praying that God will approve of them. In my own head, I am the expert on me and know what's best for me. I know what feels safe and comfortable, and I do not let go of my comfort zone or security easily. After all, I am the one who has to deal with the consequences of my choices, right? Why would I want to let that go?

But lately? Every time I sit down to write or listen to a podcast or read, I seem to be hit from all sides with the word surrender.

Truth: I'm a planner by nature. But not the type of planner who gets caught up in the details. I used to be, back in the days where I wrote out my plan for the day to the minute, including snack breaks and travel time to and from events. (No, I'm not joking. I actually did that for many years in college.) 

Nowadays, I'm more of a vision girl. I like the big picture. I tend to live in a constant state of "What's next?" and have been told on more than one occasion that I can get tunnel-vision when I'm knee-deep in a project. If you need to get something accomplished, I'm your girl. I won't eat, won't sleep, won't stop until I've moved from point A to point B. The problem with that in my life right now, above and beyond the incessant needs of all my little people, is that I have no idea what my life is going to look like in a year. 

And truthfully? 

That's scaring me out of my mind.

In high school, I was dreaming about college.

In college, I was dreaming about starting my career.

In my first year job, I was dreaming about getting married.

On our honeymoon, I was dreaming having a family.

On my son's first birthday, I was dreaming about giving him a sibling.

Once his sister was over her 12 MONTH episode of colic (yes, it actually did last a full year), we began praying about adoption.

Once Brooks came home, we began the process to build a house.

Do you see the pattern?

I've spent the last 20 years dreaming of what's next.

And now, we're blissfully moving through our life as a family of five with no planned changes on the horizon, and I find myself literally paralyzed with fear at times because I don't know what's ahead.        

I know for many people, this would be a state of bliss. It would feel like a moment to breathe and soak in the present and slow down for a lot of you. Some days, I see it that way; others, I fight to feel like I have purpose.

So I find myself in a season of surrender. 

I don't know what's ahead for me. Is God calling me to a new job? Is He calling me to simply take a seat at the table I've spent the last 15 years building and soak it all in? Does He have something ahead that isn't even on my radar yet? 

As hard as this season is, I know that opening my hands to what He has in store for my future is all I can do. He's asking me to tap the breaks, to trust, and to believe that His plans are good...even if my control issues want me to take the helm now more than ever. 

So, for now, I'm letting go of that white-knuckle grip on my trajectory and opening my heart to this next chapter. It doesn't have a title yet, but I know it'll be one for the books.