Some Days are Just HARD.

Can I get real for a minute? Like, really real.

Today was an absolute BEATING. Like, I could actually go to bed at 8:29 as I'm sitting down to write this beating. Like, I ate two cupcakes after dinner and felt zero shame beating.

Short of my oldest son's surgery complications, today was one of the hardest days of parenting I've ever had. I won't bore you with all the details, but what you should know is that Brooks's allergies and asthma are basically just completely out of control right now with all the ickiness that has been kicked up by crazy weather changes. At 6:45 am this morning, we sat down to his first breathing treatment...couldn't even get my coffee in first. Today alone, he's had four rounds of Albuterol, two inhaled steroids, three doses of Zarbee's cough syrup, a dose of Zyrtec, a dose of Ibuprofen (that one was because he hit his head, though), took a bath and then was coated in essential oils, AND we have his humidifer going. On high. And he's STILL struggling and coughing up a storm, despite all those efforts. He STILL has gunk pouring out of his nose every second. And yes, we did see the doctor today in the middle of all that who assured me that all of this WAS helping him. 

Oh, and I also have two other children to keep alive under the age of 6. 

I'm telling you...this mom stuff is no joke. 

I've been fighting this helpless, scary, haunting voice most of the day that tells me this is too much for me to handle. All day, and with every breathing treatment we sat down to, I felt this nagging feeling that I am not enough for my son. I am not equipped to handle all of this need. You guys...it's his freaking LUNGS for goodness sake. It just feels so far above my pay grade, and handling it at home by myself is one of the scariest things I've ever had to do. The thought of managing this for the rest of his childhood...well, it just about undoes me. I've seriously just spent so much of today feeling completely helpless.

I try to only do this once or twice a year, but by 4:15 this afternoon, I just couldn't take much more, so I asked Blake to come home a little early and help me. He took the kids up to Five Below to spend their allowance money from last week, and I cranked up a podcast as I started dinner. I just so happened (or not, because GOD) to stumble upon the "Mom Struggling Well" episode with Kayla Craig. Kayla is a mom of four under six, two of which are adopted and have special needs, and she was such an encouragement to me tonight. 

Emily, the host of the podcast, asked Kayla how she manages the needs of such a large family and specifically the medical needs of these two adopted children. What she said was essentially this: Even when I feel like I can't manage it all, I know I can because JESUS CAN handle it all THROUGH ME. It reminded me so much of a line I heard once that said Jesus doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. I reminded myself tonight that even when I'm drowning, even when I'm on my knees, we were CALLED to this. Not only to adoption, but we were called more specifically to the adoption of BROOKS. God ordained us to be his parents long ago, and we've got this, even when it's hard, because we have the power of the Holy Spirit. Even though my hands are shaky and I feel like I can't take one more punch, I can press on and keep fighting for my son because God made him for me and me for him. 

I wanted to put that thought out there tonight because I just felt like someone else might need to hear those words too. Whatever He has called you to, He will equip you for it. That doesn't mean it won't be scary and that doesn't mean you won't feel inadequate...it just means He's right there with you when you fall on your knees. Which, let's face it, is probably the best possible place we can be.